My Newfound Life as an American Gypsy

I guess the worst part about being in your twenties is that every other person seems to have life all figured out. If their career isn't, their relationship is. If they're single as a dollar bill, they've already gotten a promotion after 3 months of full-time work. Everyone seems to know what town they want to live in, who they want to marry and what car they want to drive. For once in my life, I'm as indecisive as ever. If I guessed the last 3 weeks would have gone the way they did, someone would have called me crazy. Guess I'm crazy.

So, here I am. Sitting at Starbucks off 35 and Western Center, yet again. Because I'm too broke to get Internet at my townhouse. The workers here have my drink memorized. I always walk in the door hopeful. Today will be the day I find my dream job. Today will be the day I get my entire life figured out.

Here's what I'm just realizing. If the last 3 weeks have been so ridiculously different that I've had planned, what on God's green earth makes me think that within the next 3 hours before my computer dies I'll get my life figured out? Maybe this is what life is all about. Searching and searching, but yet remaining content with life.

If you'll excuse me, I have exactly 3 hours to get done what I need to get done. Somehow, I need to turn a career out of something that I love. Step one: figuring out what I love.

5 things to live by

“We don’t say ‘I love you’ enough, we don’t say ‘thank you’ enough, conflict is unnecessary in war and love, most people are OK you just need to tell them that every now and then.”

Money was short and the summer days were getting longer. I needed a job, so I found an ad for a housekeeping service. Never would I have guessed that it would take me where it did. I found a friend and a mentor in Mr. James Long.

On our first meeting, he told me the five things by which his wife lived each day until she died. He shared with me his life story, of how his daughter died in her 30s and his wife to follow about eight years ago. Mr. Long had seen and experienced much and now, at the age of 83, chose to surround himself by college students and friends to “keep him young.”

I never knew that summer how much my life would change. I spent three days a week with Mr. Long playing solitaire, watching old movies (and new ones when I could convince him), completing all the crossword puzzles in four different newspapers, and chatting over popcorn and Coke-Zero. At first, this was just part of the job. I did it because I needed the money, but in a very short time Mr. Long became one of my most cherished friends. 

Right before Mr. Long and I made our weekly trip to the grocery store, my mom called with news that my aunt had been diagnosed with tumors in every lobe of her brain. I couldn’t have been in a better place to receive the news. Mr. Long consoled me as only a best friend could do and he shared his own heartache during his wife and only child’s sickness. In a time of need, I have never experienced the vulnerability and comfort that Mr. Long was so willing to exude. He made an impact on my life every single day we were together.

By the end of the summer, we saw each other up to five times a week. I would eat breakfast with him and his nurse on Saturday mornings and take him to church on Sundays. We talked on the phone while I was on the way to his house and he would usually call me every night. Most of my friends joked that we were dating, especially after we got in our first argument. 

Mr. Long called me in a panic telling me I needed to get to his house right away. I called my boss to make sure he wasn’t ill or needing more assistance than a 120-pound girl could give.
“My watch battery is out,” Mr. Long said. “We need to get to the jeweler right away.”

I got in the car without saying a word and the entire way he critiqued my driving skills. “I guess I can’t get mad,” I thought. “He has been driving for about 60 years more than I have.”

And there began our first argument. We argued like father and daughter; he needed to relax and I needed to keep both hands on the wheel. After that day, our relationship was never the same.

I knew his friends, I knew his neighbors, I knew the priest at his church, and they all thanked me for helping him. They didn’t get it. I must admit, at the beginning I did often dread the slow days I’d spend at his house. At the end, I changed my school schedule so I could see him at least once a week and I took him to church every Sunday that I could.

His wisdom changed my life. He inspired me and motivated me like no one has. They say that chivalry is dead and after spending so much time with Mr. Long, I absolutely believe it.

He shared with me how he hitchhiked across Texas when he was moving home after school with nothing but a bag of clothes and a bushel of peaches. He told me about all the pipelines he designed across Egypt and attending operas in London with his wife. He showed me pictures of him playing in the band at Texas A&M. He talked about his wife with a love and gentleness that I had never seen. He was quick to forgive and even quicker to help out a stranger. He shared his mistakes with a sense of humor that made me less annoyed at my own incompetence.

When I left to study abroad in Ireland for a semester, Mr. Long got teary eyed and said, “I just hope I’m still here when you get back.” I cried the entire way home. A couple months after I returned home, Mr. Long had a stroke.

I’ve visited a few times, but he can barely speak. When I walk in the room, he smiles and I know that he remembers me. It breaks my heart that I lost five months of time with him, but my life, outlook and attitudes changed just because I knew him. He was home away from home. He was grandpa, father, friend, and mentor and I will cherish every memory we had together.

Being Happy vs. Being Content

Maybe it's my journalism background or my love for picking apart words to fully understand their meaning, but one of my pet peeves is the use of "happy" and "content."

Happy: favored by luck or fortune.
Let's break it down. Hap- means by chance as in happening, chance, fortune. Happy isn't a constant state, it's by chance.

Content: to be satisfied with things as they are

There's a certain someone who always says that I should just be happy. It's frustrating to me, because I am content with life. People assume that being content is dull and boring. Be content? Be JOYFUL? Yes. I am that. I am joyful about all things that God has given me and brought me through. I am joyful that God didn't leave me as I was and loves me throughout the rough patches and changes. But happy all the time? I don't think that's physically possible.

Being content means being satisfied with life as it is. There is no emotion involved. Happiness is straight emotion. By chance, I can wake up seriously happy in the morning, but usually fate brings other emotions. Am I content with another day of work? Yes. Will I be joyful when the evening comes? Yes. But happy will come and go.

I have a feeling this could be an age long debate between the differences of the two words. I guess in the end it doesn't matter. Being content could mean that nothing is wrong and being happy means that something is right. I say the true test is being content when everything goes wrong and seeing if happy still comes around.

So here's my petty conclusion. Let's forgo "happy" and "content." Let's be joyful. After all, we are called to be joyful in all circumstances; be joyful always. I fully believe that if I choose JOY, then happiness and being content with life as it is will follow. We weren't called to be happy. That's just it.

One more nugget - relationships weren't created to make us happy, they were created to make us holy. Be with someone who stretches you, challenges you, forgives you and loves you just for who you are. They might not always make you happy, but finding the right someone has the ability to bring a certain level of satisfaction and joy to your life.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 
Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

Goal Setting

So, I have recently (last night) reached my one and only fitness goal. I did a pull up. Yes, just one. But I did it! Time to set another goal. SMART goal setting - specific, measurable, achievable, realistic and timely. Just so I don't disappoint myself.

This is scary because I have a lot of bad habits I need to kick. I think training to run a 5K in 8 weeks would be a good one but the one goal I've been avoiding. I have never been a runner, even when I was a kid. I would always find a way to cheat or get out of it. Now the time has come. I have a couple stubborn inches on the backside which I know will only come off from some old fashioned running. Here goes nothing. Today my goal has been set.

July 26. Yay, I get to be outside running in the heat of what will probably be a miserably hot Texas summer. Here goes nothing.

At first you feel like dying, and then you feel reborn.

April 2011

3 months ago I had this special idea of joining a gym. The group classes I was going to were getting pricey and hard to fit into my schedule. When I finally decided to drive my happy butt to the nearest gym, I had this bizarre thought of hiring a personal trainer. As I signed the papers, I felt like I was committing my life to something I would absolutely hate. And I did. For a while.

The first session was at 8:00 am on a Saturday morning. I only lasted about 10 minutes before I started seeing stars. "Did you eat breakfast?" my trainer hesitantly asked. No. And I barely ate anything the day before. My eating habits and workout routines had been less than stellar for the past few years. Group classes were a good start, but even better for cheating. I didn't even realize that my thoughts, habits and life were about to morph into something I've never experienced.

I told my trainer that I wanted to tone up and gain muscle. I'm not interested in losing weight. My trainer told me I had to eat at least 1600 calories and consume at least 120 grams of protein daily. Is this a joke? I've been living off of carbs, McDoubles and Dr Pepper for the past 5 years. Even though my first session was a bust, I was committed (at least that weekend) to give it another shot after a bit of encouragement from my incredibly (disgustingly) in shape boyfriend. I didn't realize how motivating he would be in a few weeks either.

A little history... I have never had issues with being overweight. I go through many seasons which make me blow up or shrink down incredibly. When I've lost weight, it's never been healthy and clearly gaining weight was never healthy either. I have struggled with issues about my weight because I couldn't ever stay consistent. I'd lose my appetite due to stress or depression and feel "good" about my skinny body. But once I started seeing the weight come back, it sent me to a scary place. I've never been "fat," but going from 109 to 128 takes a toll on me physically and emotionally. I got to a point where I was tired of letting circumstances define how I look and how I feel about myself. I needed an outlet. I needed to be taught how to eat and how to maintain my weight, no matter what life throws at me.

After a couple weeks of sessions (only 2 a week!), I started noticing my eating habits were changing and my clothes weren't fitting. I wasn't interested in dropping lbs, but naturally that fat was the first to go. I slimmed down and started getting cut. Weird. It wasn't long until I heard the backlash of lazy people talking trash about my changes. The first time I got in a swim suit I was catching flack. I was "too skinny," I was losing my boobs, and I was "getting bulky." This was tough on me. My confidence was growing and I had never felt better about myself. It took 3 comments to send me spiraling. But, it was different this time. I texted my trainer and said, "Ok. I'll get serious," and never looked back.

Left: Summer 2011. Top right: April 2012. Bottom right: March 2012.

After 2 months, my training sessions were over but I was hooked. My trainer was great. He was tough when I was getting lazy, lax when he knew I had given it my all, and always encouraging. "This is really hard," I said to him. "Audrey, if it were easy, everyone would be in the gym doing this." That was my favorite.

A friend saw my new-found love for working out and we got 3 more months of training sessions. "When is this supposed to get easy?" she asked on session #4. "It doesn't get easier, you just get better," I told her. Just recently I have noticed the change in my every day life. I can throw a football further, my endurance is getting better, and, my favorite, I can do more push ups than I have ever been able to do in my life.

Back to my disgustingly strong & healthy boyfriend. He has been encouraging 100%. We went to the gym together and he humbly led the way and gave me tips. I was so sore I couldn't cross my legs the next 2 days. We worked out at his house a couple weeks after that and he said, "I am so proud of you." So, if you've got someone trying to start a new healthy era, build them up with encouragement and don't break them down. I couldn't have done it without his help, selfless attitude and of course, amazing body. He once asked me, "Are you doing this for me? Are you doing it just for the looks?" At first it was for the looks. I wanted to look better. After working out became a habit, I did it because I looked and FELT better. I can fall asleep right when my head hits the pillow and I have something to run to when I'm feeling down on myself, stressed, or elated.

Be encouraged. I have gone from 4 years of doing absolutely nothing active to having a better body than I did at my peak in high school. I'm lazy and lack willpower. But I did it for myself. No one else. Find that person or thing that brings you joy and run after it. Don't back down when you catch negativity from others, especially ones you care about the most. Don't give up when it hurts. A sore body today means a strong body tomorrow. Find others who are stronger than you and flock to them. They will love helping and seeing you improve. Find your competitive spirit, even if it's competing against yourself. Set a goal and don't give up until you've reached it. And when you do, set another one.

Love does not envy.

So. Before I get started with this sticky subject, I'd like to dote on God's return on investment this past week.

After a rough "love is patient love is kind," I couldn't imagine getting anything in return for my seemingly futile efforts. I had been having trouble fulfilling these two definitions of love, and when I actually walked deliberately in them (and miserably failed) I saw their return. Which turned another "love" definition into the lump in my throat. Love is gracious.

I was writing in my journal after what normally would have been a fight, turned into an adult conversation. I was so excited with this little victory. I wrote in my journal, "He was so patient and kind tonight..." and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn't even realize what I was writing. The two things I had trying to be focused on in all of my relationships just came out full force right back at me. That's grace, because Lord knows I didn't deserve it.

Now, let's get back up to speed. Love does not envy. This seems silly to me, but as I was driving and realized what topic I had come to, another realization quickly popped into my head. I had been envious more than a few times this week. Sickened. I'm sickened that it's so easy for me to be envious of those I love. And I'm sickened at how bad I am at loving others. Bleh.

Of course I want my best friends to get the job of their dreams and be uber-successful, of course I want my parents to have perpetual bliss in their 30-year-and-still-going marriage, of course I want my boyfriend to graduate with the best grades and flourish in his new job, of course I want all of these things.

So why do I throw a pity party when it doesn't happen for me and it happens for them? I'm guessing this means love isn't selfish either. I had a feeling that this whole envy thing would be a breeze, but it turns out I've failed more than a few times on this subject. Time to get to work.

Proverbs 14:30
A tranquil heart gives life to the flesh, but envy makes the bones rot.

That doesn't sting at all. Wish me some luck with this one.

Love is kind.

Sometimes God's lessons can't be learned in a single day. I feel I must have gotten ahead of him on day two. It took me a good three days to grasp what God was teaching me. Rough lesson, much worse than praying for patience.

I had prayed for kindness. I wanted to show those around me I loved them by my kindness. I failed over and over. And then one more time over again. I thought this lesson would be an easy one, but it turns out that I'm a lot less kind and more patient than I thought.

In order to show my kindness, I need to take a step back. I need to stop living in the problem and start living in the answer. I know what I should do to better my relationships, but I continue to do the opposite. My challenge for myself is to take a laissez faire approach with all of my relationships.

I have gotten an overload of good quality advice this weekend, and while I know it will benefit my life and the lives of my love ones, it will probably be one of the hardest things I can do. The most important people in my life, love me but don't necessarily need me. They might need to know I'm there and that I care, but they don't need my every second and complete attention. This is hard.

It's weird to me that showing others I care means taking a step back. But that is my challenge for this week.

"Live your life, screw everybody else. The people who really love you will stick around." 

-My loving brother